Bf Not Attracted To Me, Says Its Not Important But Looks At Porn?
I confronted my boyfriend the other day about him not looking at me when we are intimate. The conversation revealed that he is not attracted to me physically but is in other ways. He does not have any problems performing with me in bed, and we enjoy one another physically – he just has his eyes closed. I have asked him if he thinks about others and he has said no, he has been so honest about everything else that could potentially crush me I cant imagine why he would lie about that. He says he is focused on the feelings and knowing he is with me. He said it is not a priority for him to be attracted to his partner physically, that it doesn’t matter because he is “not that shallow”. He has said that he has only been with one partner who truly excited him with her appearances (she was a stripper) and that he did not want to repeat the experience of being obsessed with someone for their looks.
He looks at porn regularly. He says he very rarely is attracted to someone physically and that it is difficult for him to find anything he likes looking at, but that when he does find porn that turns him on he enjoys the feeling. He has said that sometimes he will watch and be excited by one video one day, but if he returns to the same video he often is disappointed that he does not feel the same way.
I want to feel like I am attractive to my partner, but at the same time am I asking for too much from him? If I want to become more desirable, how far is too far? He seems to prefer tan, thin women with long lean legs. I am a naturally pale girl who has hips but size 6/8 jeans – I am 5′6 I do have some cellulite. I am certainly not his type physically. I could tan and exercise/diet better. He hasn’t demanded this, and as he says my physical appearance is not an issue for him to enjoy being with me I am really at a loss. If this is important to me and not him should I do what I can to have him attracted to me physically so that I will be more fulfilled or should I just be happy that he cares for me in other ways and try to let it go?
He has also suggested that as we grow together it is possible that he will grow to enjoy my appearances more(?).
In all of my other relationships this part was not an issue, they all accepted my physical flaws as if they didnt exist and loved how I looked and complimented my appearances. I miss that! I can imagine people might respond suggesting I find someone else to provide me with the feeling of being desirable physically, but I am very happy with him otherwise and have found him/our relationship to be so much more fulfilling in other ways.
They say all relationships are work, is this work that I should be willing to do? Should I feel bad for him that his ability to be attracted to women is so limited and indulge his porn watching and be supportive?
He’s a good guy.
You shouldn’t work so hard to change for him because you can only change for yourself.
I think porn isn’t that bad as long as he isn’t watching it in front of me ya know.
Plus, if he was happy with you he would be satisfied with you no matter what, yo.
If you don’t lie it should be aight, yo.
Hes just using you to get his end away
I think he’s a good man, who likes you for your personality. Even though he says that he is not attracted to you physically, he still finds it okay because your personality is what matters the most. And most men would not be honest like that. As long as he is gentle with his words and look’s beyond your physical appearance, then that is all that should matter. Would you rather have a man attracted to you physically than mentally?
In addition, it IS true that if your partner is happy with the relationship he/she is in, then he will find you attractive no matter what. And even if he say’s he’s not too attracted to you physically NOW, if he really loved you, he will grow to love you inside and out more and more each day.
HOWEVER, If you feel that you will be happier if he is attracted to you physically AND mentally now, then I would suggest working out more and shaping your body (the right way; e.g. exercising/healthy diet). But IF HE ASKS YOU to change for him, then that is just bull, and I would leave him if I were you. Because you shouldn’t change for anyone else but for youself and for the better. I personally, would want my boyfriend to find me physically attracted as well as mentally, but I think what matters the most is personality.
It doesn’t seem like your boyfriend isn’t “accepting” your physical “flaws”, maybe it’s just not what he prefers but he accepts it if he still loves you for who you are right? If looks were most important to him, then he would probably be back with his ex-girlfriend. Plus, just because your boyfriend isn’t satisfied enough with your physical appearance does not mean that you have flaws. Everyone has a different opinion upon each individual. So accept anyone’s compliments because compliments are only given out of honesty.
Lastly, porn is not recommended, because it is not cheating or anything, it’s more of a sexual desire. I wouldn’t mind THAT MUCH if my boyfriend watched porn but I really wouldn’t prefer it. As long as it’s not in front of me, or talked about it to me. If it really bothers you, tell him to keep that to himself because it IS sort of a ‘let-down’ if he tells you he enjoys watching porn. I also find it rude if my boyfriend tells me how they admire the bodies of OTHER women instead of me, because it would make me feel like I’m not good enough for him, right?
So as long as you are honest to him (about what he says that bother you) and he is honest to you, then your relationship should work out fine. If you really can’t stand any more of his “complaints”, then you should leave him.
Oh sweetie.. That is horrible!! It sounds like it’s just an excuse to look at porn all the time…. I was in a relationship for 3 1/2 years where my (ex) bf looked at porn all the time… Even after I satisfied him in bed.. When I went to bed one night and woke up to a “certain part” blown up on his screen, I couldn’t take it anymore.. He was down right addicted, and I couldn’t be supportive anymore… It was disgusting, and now I can’t even stand the thought of porn… Him telling you what he did, and looking at that, will make you less and less confident… and you shouldn’t be!! You should be walking down the street with all the confidence in the world!! My ex never said he wasn’t attracted to me, but that I was the only one he was attracted to, yet looked at that… I just don’t think it’s healthy, and it took me a lot to get rid of him…. I don’t know what to say here.. I can’t tell you to leave him… But, just look at the rest of your relationship… Your bf should love you and be extremely attracted to you…. My (now) fiance is everything to me… and understands my past… And is very supportive to my dislikes with it… The right man is out there…
I’m sorry, but this just sickens me! Every one of us girls is beautiful in our own way and there ARE guys out there who see us that way.
If he was attracted to you so much in other ways, it would make your physical appearance that much more attractive to him already. (I mean you two are having sex already, so why would that come later?) I thought my guy was just cute when I met him, but once we got close and I started to love his personality and everything else about him, his body was just irresistable to me. I think it went both ways. But THEN we got together, and THEN we had sex. Not the other way around. I think your boyfriend is already used to having sex with you and picturing one of those porn stars. To me, that would be insulting, it’d be like he’s not even having sex with me!
And I honestly wouldn’t be supportive of this porn thing. I think it’s becoming (or IS) an addiction that makes him attracted only to what he sees in porns and not real-life girls. Be supportive instead of trying to get him OFF the porn if you’re going to stick around, because I think it’ll only get worse.
I know you don’t want to hear that you should find someone else, and you feel fulfilled with this relationship, think about this– how long will you feel this way? Eventually, I think we all need to be told we look beautiful and feel desirable physically. Sex is a big part of a relationship and it should be good. You say he can perform, but in his head, he’s not performing for you– he’s performing for one of his porn crushes. I think you deserve better, especially if he’s not willing to work on the porn thing..
When you take sex out of a romantic relationship or marriage all you have left is a friendship. IS that enough for you? If he stopped viewing porn he might become attracted to you again, but as long as he’s using it in place of sexual intimacy with you, chances of him liking your appearance more (again, whatever) is very slim. .
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Take him to see the movie Fireproof
I wanted to add that he doesnt have to watch porn before or after, and it isnt all of the time. he also doesn’t masturbate to it, just looks to feel excited. We do have sex and there are no problems aside from the fact his eyes are closed. He has told me he has done this in his other relationships and that its weird for him to have them open. When he does open them (if i ask him to) he doesnt freak out or lose stamina, we connect.
If you guys both love each other and both make each other happy then I would stick with it. At least for a while, to see if he does grow more attracted to you if that’s what’s really bothering you.
whatever you decide to do, don’t change your appearance just to make him happy. cause in the end you have to live with it. love yourself the way you are. and hope he does too. ive been in a few relationship and ive never personally experienced anything like this before i think its quite strange. he says he doesn’t want to be shallow but he is shallow.
Wow after reading all that, the main thig i get out of what you said, was that you love someone who doens’t get turned on by you, and has to close his eyes when making love!!! Something very wrong about that sweety, seriously, being attracted to your partner isn’t being shallow!!! spending a hour in the mirror before your go out the house is shallow. The point i’m trying to make, without saying you need another man, is that you obviously feel something is wrong otherwise you wouldn’t feel like you do. At my biggest I have been a (uk) 16 and my partner loved every little inch of me. In fact now where married and im a 12, he says i’m loosing too much weight lol. A partner is supposed to love you no matter what, be attracted to you and trust you. Watching porn doesn’t mean anything, everyone does it, but having to resort to other things so he can be intimate with you, just isn’t right. Maybe you could be best friends instead, and then you can both find someone who both attracts him and makes you feel good in your skin without changing. Hope this helps xx